19 Feb 1989
MY DILEMA – TO SPEAK OR NOT TO SPEAK IN SOUTH AFRICA
For the last few months I have been battling with a moral dilemma which I don’t expect most people I know ins SA would understand or have much sympathy with – which is whether to come and talk at a conference in SA or not.
It all started last year when Peter P put the idea in the head of a conference organise that they should run a conference on Women in Business, and get me to come and speak. I was telephone in the summer, and met the man concerned who was very positive. Initially I was excited, s it was a really interesting idea to return to my roots so to speak bringing the tablets of wisdom.
However, when in December the possibility because a probability I started having huge doubts. I told him originally that I would expect them to ensure that black women were able to attend, and this this would probably mean them finding sponsorship for this. He said they were often sponsored by firms. When I raised this again in December on the phone I was told that they planned the conference at Sun City so of course black people could attend, and one speaker would be the Soweto Business woman of the year. This however made me even more uncomfortable. How many black women were in senior enough positions for their organisations to pay for them to attend a 2 day event? And having one token black speaker certainly did not seem to me to be more than a token gesture aimed at making them able to claim the event was multiracial.
The more I thought about the situation the more unhappy I became. Geoffrey and I both decided separately some time back that we did not want to give the SA government the pleasure of saying tourism had not suffered, and that we did not want just to visit SA for this reason – unless of course there were family or personal reasons for feeling we should. It may sound a meaningless gesture, but what can one do in a situation over which one feels powerless, and yet implicated. I also do not buy SA fruit – but of course happily accept presents of it when you bring it. So, a very mixed up background against which to make a decision about the conference.
The arguments for going were of course that by doing so I might be able to influence things positively. But all the evidence shows that gestures like that are not going to change the course of history. But what was I doing accepting a free trip and putting myself in the hands of commercial conference organisers who would obviously want to create publicity around their key note speakers return to SA. And another consideration lurking in the background was the consequences for me professionally here if I went. I have broadened by scope here to take in issues of race and disability in employment, as well as women. But black people and people with disabilities feel strongly about able bodied white people muscling in on and issue when it starts becoming something which organisations will pay for (just as I am doubtful, until convinced otherwise, of men who suddenly get interested in women’s equality – why I wonder the sudden conversation? Could it be money? Black people who are politically aware in this country feel very strongly indeed about SA. It is a focus rightly or wrongly for their feelings about racism. Most see the only way forward as a complete boycott – easy for those who have no close connections there. If I decided to go , and talk to a mainly white audience, even if there were a few token blacks, I would have to be very sure in my own mind as to why I had done it, in order to explain to almost everyone I know here who would be antagonistic – both white or black – why I was doing so. And I found I couldn’t really do this. An ego trip for me was not a strong enough reason for this.
I went through ap hase of saying that if I accepted this invitation I could use it as an opportunity to see what I could do to help black women. And that by not accepting a fee I would be keeping my hands clean so to speak. But then I decided that I only cope with SA by keeping clear of it, and that I was not sure that I was ready to take on the load of a new cause, especially one so emotive.
However, meanwhile , before reaching this stage I had decided I must resolve the internal conflict. I couldn’t go on forever debating with myself, one day one way the next the other. So I said I would come. But I found did not resolve it and I still went on having agonies. So then I wrote to them suggesting that they consider running a conference for 5-/50 black white, by getting sponsorship for black women. I didn’t think they would actually manage this, but when through more soul searching as to whether if they said they would do this I would actually have to come. Anyway on Friday all was resolved at last by them faxing to say they could not do this, as it would make it a ‘racial, not womens’ event. Racial just to rry and get a mixture! Perhaps, I should have blown their minds by doing as G. suggested – to say the mix at the conference should reflect the mix in SA! Anyway now I contact them and say sorry, I cant therefore be their key note speaker.
Why an I going on like this is in order to show that my decision, which will I suspect seem illogical to you, has not been easy. However, I find that I feel at peace with myself. I have realised that by refusing the invitation I am not stopping toe possibility of getting involved in some event in SA, in a way and at a time that I feel happy about. There are some organisations which I could contact and arrange some sort of activity with, who would probably jump at the opportunity. So although you will nto see us in May, who knows, as I get physically stronger, it may not be that long before I do involve myself with something else in SA. And of course I will be fascinated to have news of the conference, to be held on May 11th and 12th.