COVID HUMOUR

via the neighbourhood app, Nextdoor 

During the first lockdown, a neighbour asked for weekend travel advice  

‘I’m looking for recommendations as to where to go for the weekend. 

I’m looking on the map but maybe you can help me with any suggestions.

Thank you‘

  • Fly with concorde to your private island

  • I have found the kitchen a good starting point and nice to return to on a regular basis. Generally something for all the family

  • Skiing (together with a pic of a board balanced on the back of a sofa with full ski gear on it!!)

  • A great roller disco on a Friday night around the coffee table – not to be missed

  • The great migration between the bed and sofa provides some excellent game viewing opportunities

  • Remember don’t disturb wildlife as it emerges from its hibernation

  • For a weekend, I’d go long haul

  • Think about an overnight trip from the bedroom on Friday night and waking up under the sun in the garden. Even better, if you have a paddling pool or a bowl of water to recreate the beachside feeling. Mind you, at my age, any long journey requires a stop over somewhere at a toilet hub.

  • You can go a long way in an hour on a bike

  • How about moving the furniture around and then you can imagine you have gone to stay with a friend for the weekend. Then change it back and feel the pleasure of how nice it is to get home and sleep again in your own bed.

  • OOOOH dangerous – make sure there isn’t anyone on the balcony less than 2metres away

  • Back garden for me – will try get lost for few hours

  • So funny, I would recommend the kitchen. I hear that at your particular location are where legends are made (please note solo dancing respecting always social distancing)

  • Showers in Ibiza always make me feel much better

  • You need to make an assault course in your front room and then find a make believe friend to play with

  • Heating on, music up, curtains drawn and stand by the light switch

  • You could try being spiderwoman by hanging upside down from the ceiling?

  • I fear Narnia is in some kind of lockdown due to cold ‘virus’
 
  • You could take the wine trail. Here’s a handy map for that:
 

 

Glass of wine in the living room

 

Glass of wine in the kitchen

 

Glass of wine in the bedroom

 

 … … … who knows where it will end?

 

 

 

 

 

  • If it helps, I’m going to hide my easter eggs because by next weekend it’s sure going to take me a while to find them

  • I would put on the radio and see where the music takes you

  • When you wake up in the morning, lay in bed for a while and then decide – loads of options

    • Bathtub could be the pool
    • Bed, the sun lounge
    • A good drink in the kitchen which is the bar 
    • Don’t forget the suntan lotion. Enjoy.

  • Haha enjoy your holiday

  • You could play hide and seek with yourself or go on a multi room pub crawl

  • Climb up the walls

  • Here are a few suggestions:
    • Move the furniture around and create a new map
    • Try getting from your bedroom to the kitchen without touching the floor. Just use chairs as stepping stones, roller blades or a skateboard. But take care not to end up in A&E (now is not the time)
    • Go to the cinema. Make some popcorn, turn all the lights out and reserve a seat on your sofa
    • Go out to dinner. Write a menu. Make a reservation. Light a candle. (if you don’t live alone, get your flatmate to do this. Otherwise Facetime a friend for dinner)
    • Go to an art gallery – there are lots of museums and exhibitions online
    • Do some gardening. Order seeds online or buy some small fresh herb pots of flowers from some of the larger supermarkets and create a garden indoors
    • Teach yourself to paint. Try Bob Ross online or any other teach yourself to paint.
    • There is a whole world of Narnia in the recesses of your wardrobe to explore every day. Enjoy

  • I’m off on a pub crawl this evening

  • Could always have a steam bath

  • Try the bathroom. I hear it’s very good at this time of year.

  • Set out from the bedroom, not forgetting your pocket handkerchief. Beware giant spiders lurking in the porcelain forests and look for goblins in the hall of no man’s land. Resist the blandishments of King Gogglebox and the Lady Sofa and you should reach Hobb’s Ring in time for tea. After that, you are on your own and may your eyrie receive you at your journey’s end.

  • Maybe try a different perspective, give upside down a try and walk the ceiling or blindfold yourself and really get to know your surroundings. I expect a review in Tripadvisor

  • I was thinking of changing the air in the garden at the weekend – beat that!

  • Sit at the dinner table and maybe invite some friends.

  • I would recommend the bathroom. The views are great

  • I’ve got as far as the cupboard under the stairs so it’s going well

 

 

and the wit continued …

8th January 2021

Posted by: HS

Staying positive. People are going crazy from being locked down at home.

I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my tea, and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, cause he’s been acting cold and distant! In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out! The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up! But the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon! The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion, but the front door said I was becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip!! You can just about guess what the curtains told me: they told me to “pull myself together!” We   survive!! Gotta keep the humour! 😂😀😷

 

25th February 2021

Mystery Trip 2

Mystery trip. Following last weekend’s successful virtual trip to New York, this weekend is going to be a Virtual Mystery Trip on Sunday. The coach will leave from Balham Bus Terminal at 10.02 sharp. We’re on a strict timetable so cannot wait for stragglers. The cost will be 20 Balham pounds per person. Concessions for OAPs and Gingers. Due to the nature of the trip no under 27s. Fancy dress optional but compulsory. Swearing and drinking encouraged on the coach. Please submit any questions prior to the trip, however I reserve the right to ignore or ridicule them.

After much soul searching, despite his transgressions in NY, I’ve decided to let CA on the trip. As part of his reparations he has agreed to supply food for everyone. Please DM him with your orders.

Brixton Hill: Count me in, I’ve got my £20 Balham pounds put aside.

Balham: Can I sit at the front?

Clapham South: Thanks for the offer but we already have a driver and the seat next to him is for Matthew his guide dog

Abbeville Village: I’m ginger. Ok if I run behind the coach or something? Or maybe strap me to the roof? Meant to be sunny and warm so I’ll be ok (I’ll wear factor 700).

Clapham South: no, you misunderstand – you get a discount but must be authentic i.e. matching collars and cuffs. There will be random (cordoned off for privacy… 

Balham: Here’s my 20 BPs. Will there be a compulsory sing-along on the way back? I have Kwells.

Clapham South: Thank you. Do you want to pay an additional 50 for a guaranteed seat or will you risk the roof rack? Singing compulsory

Balham: I presume I won’t have to pay. I have 60+ Oyster card.

Clapham South: I will need proof

Brixton Hill: Sunday is my Birthday Eve. Do I get a concession?

Clapham South: No, as it’s the eve of your birthday, you have to bake a cake and bring it along to share. Sorry, I don’t make the rules

Brixton Hill: Is there a theme for fancy dress or is it freestyle?

Clapham South: Of course there is and you know the theme . Come as your favourite dressed flea

Between the Commons: 😂😂 Do u do stand up?

Brixton Hill: Well I could do, I mean I can stand up most days

Bank robbery in Balham. Following last weekend’s Virtual Mystery Tour, this weekend there is going to be a Virtual Bank Heist. I’ve “obtained” the blueprints for the Balham Unified Municipal Society (BUMS) which as you all know is situated next door to the Kebab and Calculator public house. My mole tells me there is a significant amount of Balham Pound in the safe. The heist will take place Sat night/Sun. If you want in let me know and tell me the key skills you have. I will then allocate a code name and role to you. The Jackal

Brixton Hill: Am in. I will be the look-out guy. I will be inside the kebab pretending to order something and look out for you guys. I also have wireless electric shocker. To Worn that the heat is Rising up. If someone is coming it will give a little shock as a warning.

Clapham South: Ok – not to divulge too much but it will be when the bank is closed and access will be via Kebab and Calculator. You can still be lookout Your codename is The Carrot

Abbeville Village: I’m willing to assist… I speak fluent French and can colour fairly neatly inside the lines, if that helps?

Clapham South: Ahh Ms W, I’ve been expecting you Your codename is Babel Fish

Clapham Park: I’m in. I can talk for England 😂

Clapham South: Welcome aboard Your codename is ChasnDave

Nightingale Triangle: I can provide the swag bag and do you want the customary black and white attire?

Clapham South: Thanks. Affirmative re attire Codename: Fred LaRue

Balham: I think black but white strips could be an interesting combo, we can transform into zebra crossings if alerted? Not like anyone looks when they walk these days

Balham: I am invisible.

Clapham South: Ok you’re in Codename: Daniel Westin

Balham: I’m free that day to help break into the security systems back end code. I might also be able to provide a hide out from my uncles, mates, cousins, dad. I’ll pm you my fave recipe 😉 obvs code but you’d have to be in the know to know.

Clapham South: Ok – awaiting deets Codename: Turin

Balham: Best codename ever!

Brixton Hill: I notice you don’t have a getaway driver yet and would like to put myself forward for the role. Can supply own car.

Clapham South: Much needed skill. In Codename : Bo Darville

Between the Commons: I have a 80cm diameter diamond bit concrete drill that has been handy in the past, if you get my meaning. Happy to help. What’s the divvy?

Clapham South: Laters re divvy Codename: Reno Miller

Between the Commons: Excellent, thankfully I’ve always loved Tony and the Rooster’s music so no chance of any unexpected ‘hiccups’…

Between the Commons: I have x ray vision if that’s helpful

Clapham South: Bro- you’re in. Codename: Röntgen

Between the Commons: Yes W. gave me the power – runs in the family

Tooting Bec: I want to play! 😂

Clapham South: This isn’t a game. Need your key skills

Balham: I’m in. I’m Scouse. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for Balham Pounds, I can tell you I don’t have any but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let me join the heist, this will be the end of it – I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will wave a finger at you. I also make a nice cup of tea.

Clapham South: Edwards-rare and much needed skills. Welcoming aboard. Your codename is Tarbie

West Tooting: I want in. Speak fluent cat and have memorised the lyrics to 36,428 songs. Know my way around BUM prints. Could do with more dollar as running low on wine.

Clapham South: In Codename: Feildae

Between the Commons: I am good at cleaning up as experienced on the last trip. If it gets a tad messy with the diamond drill, I can whip out my portable Dyson. I have a florescent jacket and helmet I can wear so the team can spot me when they need a little tidying up. I gather robberies these days are a tad messy

Balham: I have an industrial shredder. May be needed to divvy up the loot?

Tulse Hill North: 😂

Brixton Hill: I’m in. I have a disarming smile. Which comes in handy for disarming people.

Abbeville Village: Garden shed available for a consideration if you need a (now not so) secret stash. We also have a fence – believe you’ll need one.

Balham: Hi, if you need a distraction, I am great at making scenes. I also have a very loud promotional van which can cover the noise of any drilling you might need to do.

Between the Commons: BR Sounds good but we need to wait for confirmation of your status from The Jackal. He may be on a quick trip to Brussels to test fire a new piece of kit.

Streatham Hill: I’m in my husband is a builder 😂😂

Nightingale Triangle: I was going to ask if I could do the getaway driving but K beat me to it – do you need a back up driver? I’ve always wanted someone to shout “go, go, go!” at me. I also have extensive experience of driving a LH drive, rear-engined Fiat 126 that goes like the clappers, if that helps…?

Tooting Graveney: I’m going to stay at home out of the way but prepared to swear blind on my grandmother’s grave that you were all with me at the time, if the police come knocking. Hope this is a useful skill.

Between the Commons: Looks like it’ll be easy for us to stay covid safe and not attract unwanted attention: https://www.redbubble.com/i/mask/NOT-a-Bank-Robber-Face-Mask-by-PaperJoy/53695100.9G0D8

March 2021

Virtual Everest Ascent. This weekend I will be attempting to climb Mount Everest. If anyone else wants to join me, please meet at the Virtual Base Camp on Friday night. Does anyone have a tent and a pair of gloves I could borrow for the weekend? I

Hyde Farm: I always finish my climbing sessions with a moment of unresolved jeopardy. I’m a cliffhanger

Balham: Cool. I’ve got spare gloves and a spare Sherpa and a spare bin bag if you can’t cadge a tent.

Abbeville Village: Do the gloves have to be matching?

Clapham South: Ideally, yes

Abbeville Village: Hmm… we *may* have encountered our first problem

Clapham South: What might that be? Btw are you going to change your name to Climber for the weekend?

Between the Commons: Will there be refreshments available?

Clapham South: Kendal Mintcake

Between the Commons:  I am seriously tempted to join you but just need to check what other snacks I can pack.

Tooting Bec: I’m in! I’ll bring a hot water bottle. I have garden gloves you could borrow. They’re quite thick.

Nightingale Triangle: I’ve got some marigolds…!

Tooting Bec: Definitely better than my offer of garden gloves.

Nightingale Triangle: Ooh, I don’t know, those gardening gloves could be very useful in fighting off the yetis…

Brixton Hill: Oh yes, I’m in, I’ll bring an extra flask of coffee. That is for you Simon as you’ve been kind enough to organise.

Between the Commons: I bake some cakes for the trip. Can’t beat a bit of Al fresco Mary Berry cherry and Almond slices….

Brixton Hill: I do hope my pit ponies will have time to acclimatise, it’s rather short notice for them 🤔… I don’t know perhaps I should have a heated sedan chair built…

Brixton Hill: Of course I have ordered 47 hampers from Fortnum & Mason for myself and my porters, does that sound adequate? And 26 bottles of Dom Perignon and a roundof… 

Brixton Hill: Oh yes please! I’ll save a glass of champers for you at the very apex of the peak of the summit

Between the Commons: ta v much, you are a love. I will bring some Earl Grey tea bags too.

Clapham South: Nice!

Brixton Hill: Absolutely spiffing

Streatham Hill West: A man goes into a pet store and demands an amazing pet for a very cheap price. The shop keeper says “I have a talking fox for only £20”. The man exclaims, “foxes can’t talk!” While he’s rambling on, the fox puts his paw up on the desk and says “actually I can talk… I’ve written 3 books and I climbed up Mount Everest for the 2nd time yesterday!” The man says “wow he’s amazing, why are you selling him so cheap??” To which the shopkeeper replies “I just can’t take the lies anymore…”

Nightingale Triangle: I take it you’re bringing the fox then?!

Tooting Bec: We need to make the fox our team leader.

Streatham Hill West: Haha, will this subject everest?!

Hyde Farm: Ooh I’m in. I’ve got my sons unused DoE camping equipment. He was going for a night on box hill Surrey. I’m sure conditions in the Himalayas will be similar.. And just in case it gets a bit too uphill I’ve packed a stannah stairlift. Chocolate hobnob anyone?

Nightingale Triangle: So glad you thought of the stannah stairlift, Julie – at last a sensible and practical suggestion!

Balham: Can we bring the BA drinks trolley again? And has anyone asked Plastic if he’s free?

Clapham South: It’s a given

Back to Top