Petrol crisis solved !
I’m prepared to hire out my new zebra, Jonathan. He is fine in cycle lanes and can be tethered to bike stands outside shops. Comes fitted with panniers. Before any wokes accuse me of exploiting both him and the current situation, he is a very content chap and I’m doing this at near cost. £565 per day. No time wasters
Anyone know if I can turn my Jacuzzi on whilst filled up with Diesel? I have had it full for a couple of days and my kids are tired of swimming in it without the bubbles. I bought each one a Playmobile fuel bowser so they can slowly fill my car up and play at the same time. Best idea I have had so far.
Which bit of “no time wasters “ don’t you understand?
How is he with zebra crossings ?
Fine, why ?
Simon, I saw your so-called zebra plying its trade at the Chelsea Flower Show last week. Frankly, I think Jonathan is going to need to be off his rocker to fulfil your crazy scheme.
Jonathan in action. Inaction.
Not mine
Do you have a phot of Jonathan, for comparison?
yes I do
I know that zebra rocking horse, that belongs to the Stevenson’s brothers
It’s a nay from me, I’m afraid.
I have a question about ownership whilst Jonathan is on hire Animal manure is very popular amongst gardeners and is often sold for private use .Should there be a production during the period of hire to whom would it belong ———the owners of the person hiring Jonathan for the day or you as the owner of Johnathan ?
It’s yours
I think zebra manure might contradict the Ultra Low Emission Zone rules.
I believe zebra emissions are an excellent fox deterrent. Please trap some in canisters, for sale at a reasonable price.
…. Wouldn’t that also apply to horses in the zone?
23 hrs ago
Absolutely! And unicorns, of course.
Is Jonathan exempt from the congestion charge?
Yes
What about ULEZ
Fine
surely his emissions would be full of noxious gases
Parking permits
Exempt
… is this because unlike a car or similar he wouldn’t be totally immobile when left (as a living being)?
No it’s because he’s not a car
23 hrs ago
must be like the moped that Is Sorned on the road on my block – that neither the council nor the DVLA will do anything about – since March 2020
Is muffin the mule still a criminal offence?
Simon, I love your posts…..always make me chuckle!!
Me too…keep them coming!
You have competition 🙂
Where exactly did you find… See more
I won him in a game of find the ferret
Simon, I gather panic buying is now affecting zebra food supplies. Do you have an emergency contingency plan? Note the grass on Clapham Common has been ruined by the recent burning effigy festival, as well as damage by giraffes.
And there is a bleeding crocodile in the ornamental pond
Why is he bleeding? Does he need help? I have a crocodile first aid certificate
excludes mouth to mouth?
What about low emissions. Is jonathan an Ultra Low Emissions Zebra?
Yes. But you need to clean up his poo
It’s possible too Louis G that his “emissions” would be good for your rhubarb and tomatoes??
I’ve only been growing spinach this year. Do you know if his “emissions would be good for that too.?
Charlatan! Always someone cashing in on a crisis. Daylight robbery if you ask me. I’d like to know the cost price please.
Have you introduced Jonathan to Samantha the zebra 
? She is local too
Simon, can you confirm is he a plains zebra or mountain zebra? I find the plains zebras don’t have quite enough poke for uphills. Also will you part-ex for 2 cats? Both quite dim.
I think poking a zebra comes in the same category as muffin’ the mule. Shame on you!
can I just say there are no ‘dim’ cats – there are just cats who can’t be deigned to engage with us lesser mortals….
Actually I think he might be a hazard crossing Zebra crossings – who has right of way and he might get run over as no one will be able to see him.
You describe him as your ‘new’ zebra. I think we are entitled to know what happened to your old zebra before we make any decisions.
https://nextdoor.co.uk/p/4-2m-g4J9Ngz?utm_source=share&extras=MTc1OTIxOTU2Nzc3MDk%3D
Oh no I saw Zebra burgers – for sale at balham farmers market
Zebra also at Kebab house
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